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WARNING: Vent. Avoid if necessary.
6 min read
It's so hard to keep this constant attitude of positivity, it really is. But I have to because I care too much about how I affect the people around me and I don't want anyone to feel any worse because I do and I need them to feel good so I can feel good because I feed off their positivity and the more positive I act the more positive I feel so I can't act negative or else I'll end up feeling worse.
But God, it's so hard to keep that up when there's a near-neverending stream of negativity being directed towards you. I'll never let myself fall into a depression as deep as the one I was in a year and a half ago but God atypical depression is a BIG FUCKING BITCH. Especially when you don't believe in pharmaceuticals and practically no one even knows you go through it and you can't see yourself going to a therapist. My dad keeps telling me that I'm not a failure and this and that and blah blah blah and I love him and what he says but sometimes it isn't enough.
How can I not feel like a failure?
I'm almost 22 years old and I still haven't finished more than a semester of college, I don't even have a real high school diploma, and I'm only just now REALLY learning to drive. I've been looking for a job for 3 months now with no hint of success, but I'm not surprised. I don't look good on paper. I never have. I have at the most 6 months of work experience at one job and I got fired from that place and even though it was a termination that was made with a heavy heart you can't put that on applications and even if you could would they even really care? I don't have any real marketable skills so why take the chance on me? All my relationships fail no matter what I do and FUCK FUCK FUCK WHY?
I can't even succeed at being a good Christian and it feels like my baptism was for naught because I keep backsliding and it makes no sense because when I think about and try to act worse to protect myself and go back to who I was and be a worse person I even fail at that but it's so easy to regress to the things I don't want to.
I can't even finish long term projects I start and they just sit there unfinished waiting for me to finish writing them but I still think up new things to start because I need to create so I don't destroy me.
The only things I really succeed at are being a friend, an uncle and brother and a consumer. Oh and the internet because it means so much.
And it's not like my family's really nay help either. All everyone asks is what I'm doing, even those not related to me who don't really care. All they want are results and they keep asking and I keep lying because I don't want the disapproving comments and questions and further discussion on how I'm wasting potential. And the ones I stay around/live with don't really respect or appreciate me. The only ones who do are my little brother, my nieces and nephew and my mom's boyfriend's little brother. And now that he's here the only purpose I serve is the scapegoat, the whipping boy, the emotional punching back. FUCK YOU EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG BUT IF ANYONE ELSE DOESN'T IT'S FINE. Why double standard?
And it's not like I can even save money to get out of here BECAUSE NO ONE WILL FUCKING HIRE ME BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE EXPERIENCE. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET EXPERIENCE.
And now I'm coming to the scary realization that I don't have many real friends left in real life. You know how scary it is when you realize your closest friends of over 7 years might have to be kicked out of your life? People you got baptized with? Brothers? But what can I do when I see them changing so much for the worse and they don't wanna hear anyhting to the contrary. I can't watch yo destroy yourself and I won't keep bad friends who try to hurt me to make themselves feel better or who only want to use me. Will all I have left are online friends?
And worse no one TRUELY knows me because I hide so many things from them about me and lie and can't be true to myself and I lost so many people who could help me and the one person who knew me better than anyone betrayed me so badly that we don't even speak and no one else comes close enough to confide in because only she knew my darkest secrets and no matter how good I try to be I know I'm a terrible person and I'm just so sick and I try so hard not to be and It's shameful because my nephew isn't even 1 and I go from loving him to intensely disliking him so easily when HE'S INNOCENT even though his personality is so annoying sometime but it's NOT HIS FAULT.
Sometimes I just wanna disappear or go into a coma because sleep and darkness have always bee my friends and protectors.
Sometimes I wished I never stopped smoking even though it didn't really help but it was still something and I don't even know how long I've ben staring at that wine I got for new year''s and I feel like just drinking the whole thing but I won't do that because I don't emotional drink anymore and I won't let myself go back to that because I drink enough already and I'm only a few steps from alcohlism and I don't wanna being myself closer to the abyss that wants to swallow us all.
I know it gets better and what happens for a reason and all that but sometimes I just don't care. People say it's because I have a great purpose in life. Sometimes I wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish I was just another average Joe. But I don't really. Because I know it'll have something to do with helping people, and it'd kill me to not do that. If I hadn't been through what I'd been through before I'd be a weaker persona dn ot makes me wonder what would I do or do to myself if I was.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Anything.
Why me? Sometimes.
But God, it's so hard to keep that up when there's a near-neverending stream of negativity being directed towards you. I'll never let myself fall into a depression as deep as the one I was in a year and a half ago but God atypical depression is a BIG FUCKING BITCH. Especially when you don't believe in pharmaceuticals and practically no one even knows you go through it and you can't see yourself going to a therapist. My dad keeps telling me that I'm not a failure and this and that and blah blah blah and I love him and what he says but sometimes it isn't enough.
How can I not feel like a failure?
I'm almost 22 years old and I still haven't finished more than a semester of college, I don't even have a real high school diploma, and I'm only just now REALLY learning to drive. I've been looking for a job for 3 months now with no hint of success, but I'm not surprised. I don't look good on paper. I never have. I have at the most 6 months of work experience at one job and I got fired from that place and even though it was a termination that was made with a heavy heart you can't put that on applications and even if you could would they even really care? I don't have any real marketable skills so why take the chance on me? All my relationships fail no matter what I do and FUCK FUCK FUCK WHY?
I can't even succeed at being a good Christian and it feels like my baptism was for naught because I keep backsliding and it makes no sense because when I think about and try to act worse to protect myself and go back to who I was and be a worse person I even fail at that but it's so easy to regress to the things I don't want to.
I can't even finish long term projects I start and they just sit there unfinished waiting for me to finish writing them but I still think up new things to start because I need to create so I don't destroy me.
The only things I really succeed at are being a friend, an uncle and brother and a consumer. Oh and the internet because it means so much.
And it's not like my family's really nay help either. All everyone asks is what I'm doing, even those not related to me who don't really care. All they want are results and they keep asking and I keep lying because I don't want the disapproving comments and questions and further discussion on how I'm wasting potential. And the ones I stay around/live with don't really respect or appreciate me. The only ones who do are my little brother, my nieces and nephew and my mom's boyfriend's little brother. And now that he's here the only purpose I serve is the scapegoat, the whipping boy, the emotional punching back. FUCK YOU EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG BUT IF ANYONE ELSE DOESN'T IT'S FINE. Why double standard?
And it's not like I can even save money to get out of here BECAUSE NO ONE WILL FUCKING HIRE ME BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE EXPERIENCE. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET EXPERIENCE.
And now I'm coming to the scary realization that I don't have many real friends left in real life. You know how scary it is when you realize your closest friends of over 7 years might have to be kicked out of your life? People you got baptized with? Brothers? But what can I do when I see them changing so much for the worse and they don't wanna hear anyhting to the contrary. I can't watch yo destroy yourself and I won't keep bad friends who try to hurt me to make themselves feel better or who only want to use me. Will all I have left are online friends?
And worse no one TRUELY knows me because I hide so many things from them about me and lie and can't be true to myself and I lost so many people who could help me and the one person who knew me better than anyone betrayed me so badly that we don't even speak and no one else comes close enough to confide in because only she knew my darkest secrets and no matter how good I try to be I know I'm a terrible person and I'm just so sick and I try so hard not to be and It's shameful because my nephew isn't even 1 and I go from loving him to intensely disliking him so easily when HE'S INNOCENT even though his personality is so annoying sometime but it's NOT HIS FAULT.
Sometimes I just wanna disappear or go into a coma because sleep and darkness have always bee my friends and protectors.
Sometimes I wished I never stopped smoking even though it didn't really help but it was still something and I don't even know how long I've ben staring at that wine I got for new year''s and I feel like just drinking the whole thing but I won't do that because I don't emotional drink anymore and I won't let myself go back to that because I drink enough already and I'm only a few steps from alcohlism and I don't wanna being myself closer to the abyss that wants to swallow us all.
I know it gets better and what happens for a reason and all that but sometimes I just don't care. People say it's because I have a great purpose in life. Sometimes I wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish I was just another average Joe. But I don't really. Because I know it'll have something to do with helping people, and it'd kill me to not do that. If I hadn't been through what I'd been through before I'd be a weaker persona dn ot makes me wonder what would I do or do to myself if I was.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Anything.
Why me? Sometimes.
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Tag, we're it! ^_^
6 min read
These are the rules:
1. You must post these rules (very, VERY Important )
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and create ten new questions for the people you tag to answer.
3. You have to choose 10 people to tag and post their icons on your journal.
4. Go to their pages and tell them you have tagged her/him.
5. No tag backs
6. No crap in the tagging section about "you are tagged if you're reading this."
You legitimately (AKA, really, truly with all honesty) have to tag 10 people.
The person that tagged me: Oh you~~
QUESTIONS:
1) If you have to confess something to your character, what would it be? (For those who don't have characters, then confess something to your pet or friend)
I'd confess to my universe's Kid Devil that he and his future wife will never be able to have children, and it is indirectly due to the immature decisions he will make. I would then confess to Chiller that despite everything she will do to save Eddie so that they can be together, and actually because of one of those things, she will never be able to bear his child.
2) You suddenly wake up in darkness and you cannot move. What is your first reaction?
Assume I'm experiencing sleep paralysis again and hope I don't have to pee before my body fully wakes up.
3) Sadism or masochism? You have to choose one.
Despite my love for both, if I could only choose one it'd be masochism.
4) You have to choose 2 out of 3: social, knowledge and sleep, which would you choose?
Sounds like that joke about college. I already get less sleep because of knowledge and social and it's been working fine for me. Staying with that. X3
5) Name a piece of clothing that you would never EVER wear.
A knit sweater/turtleneck.
6) If you can travel to any one anime/movie/book universe, what will be your mission there?
I'd go to the universe of Aladdin and befriend Chaos, helping him with all his reality-altering mischief and convince him to give me powers similar to his so I could help him in his mischief-making.
7) *follow-up from the previous question* You are suddenly kidnapped by the villain in that universe, what would they do to you? D:
Depends on which one, most of them would immediately let me go upon finding out that I'm close friends with Chaos.
8) If you have to marry a Disney princess (even if you are a girl), who would it be and why?
*laughs*
Funny this question comes next. It'd be Jasmine, because my favorite women are those from South and West Asia. *_*
9) What makes you laugh so hard that you cry?
Recently? The Invention of Lying. You've gotta be pretty damn funny to get me that far. It's usually my friends reactions, though the lot of them've become immune to my asininity as of late. *le sigh*
10) And now for story time: tell me a story that you have always been scared of when you were a kid.
Pretty much anything remotely scary. XD
I was an easily frightened child, which is probably why I love the feeling so much now. But ummm...I think killer doll stories the most when I was a kid because my sister and cousins used to tell me them all the time. Like the story about the little girl who went to sleep with her Cabbage patch doll and the next morning her parents found her dead and bloody and the doll was holding a knife. Steered clear of those things since then. Then they had me watch Pet Sematary and all the Child's Plays. Then a Halloween episode of Dharma and Greg that had to do with creepy dolls. Then Goosebumps. Then when I was 7 they all made me think my cousin's doll was alive because they took all its clothes off and put it halfway up the stairs and locked the gate and doors to make me think it got there on it's own.
I tag:
Now for the questions *drum roll please*
1. What is one of the worst things you've ever put one of your characters through?
2. If they knew it was your fault, and were able to confront you on it what do you think he/she would do?
3. Would you ever trade places with one of your characters and put your fate in their hands? If so, which one and why?
4. Which of these three mediums would you sacrifice to be able to produce your work in the other two? Mind you, this means you would be able to independently produce these two with whatever budget you wanted and you wouldn't have to worry about licenses and purchasing rights to copyrighted characters and all that: Writing (Novels, Short Stories, Poems), Print Cartoon (Comic, Graphic Novel, Manga), or Animation (Television, Movie, Video Game).
5. If you could have any one item of clothing from any form of fiction, what would it be?
6. Where in the world, fictional or real, would you have liked to have been born?
7. What do you think your life would be like if you were born there?
8. Who is the most evil person in that place, and who is the person you'd want to be with the most?
9. You're given the choice to be with that person for the rest of your days and never be bothered by that villain, or forever rid the world of that villain at the cost of your love. Which do you choose?
10. What's the weirdest nightmare you've ever had?
Enjoy answering them!
1. You must post these rules (very, VERY Important )
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and create ten new questions for the people you tag to answer.
3. You have to choose 10 people to tag and post their icons on your journal.
4. Go to their pages and tell them you have tagged her/him.
5. No tag backs
6. No crap in the tagging section about "you are tagged if you're reading this."
You legitimately (AKA, really, truly with all honesty) have to tag 10 people.
The person that tagged me: Oh you~~
QUESTIONS:
1) If you have to confess something to your character, what would it be? (For those who don't have characters, then confess something to your pet or friend)
I'd confess to my universe's Kid Devil that he and his future wife will never be able to have children, and it is indirectly due to the immature decisions he will make. I would then confess to Chiller that despite everything she will do to save Eddie so that they can be together, and actually because of one of those things, she will never be able to bear his child.
2) You suddenly wake up in darkness and you cannot move. What is your first reaction?
Assume I'm experiencing sleep paralysis again and hope I don't have to pee before my body fully wakes up.
3) Sadism or masochism? You have to choose one.
Despite my love for both, if I could only choose one it'd be masochism.
4) You have to choose 2 out of 3: social, knowledge and sleep, which would you choose?
Sounds like that joke about college. I already get less sleep because of knowledge and social and it's been working fine for me. Staying with that. X3
5) Name a piece of clothing that you would never EVER wear.
A knit sweater/turtleneck.
6) If you can travel to any one anime/movie/book universe, what will be your mission there?
I'd go to the universe of Aladdin and befriend Chaos, helping him with all his reality-altering mischief and convince him to give me powers similar to his so I could help him in his mischief-making.
7) *follow-up from the previous question* You are suddenly kidnapped by the villain in that universe, what would they do to you? D:
Depends on which one, most of them would immediately let me go upon finding out that I'm close friends with Chaos.
8) If you have to marry a Disney princess (even if you are a girl), who would it be and why?
*laughs*
Funny this question comes next. It'd be Jasmine, because my favorite women are those from South and West Asia. *_*
9) What makes you laugh so hard that you cry?
Recently? The Invention of Lying. You've gotta be pretty damn funny to get me that far. It's usually my friends reactions, though the lot of them've become immune to my asininity as of late. *le sigh*
10) And now for story time: tell me a story that you have always been scared of when you were a kid.
Pretty much anything remotely scary. XD
I was an easily frightened child, which is probably why I love the feeling so much now. But ummm...I think killer doll stories the most when I was a kid because my sister and cousins used to tell me them all the time. Like the story about the little girl who went to sleep with her Cabbage patch doll and the next morning her parents found her dead and bloody and the doll was holding a knife. Steered clear of those things since then. Then they had me watch Pet Sematary and all the Child's Plays. Then a Halloween episode of Dharma and Greg that had to do with creepy dolls. Then Goosebumps. Then when I was 7 they all made me think my cousin's doll was alive because they took all its clothes off and put it halfway up the stairs and locked the gate and doors to make me think it got there on it's own.
I tag:
Now for the questions *drum roll please*
1. What is one of the worst things you've ever put one of your characters through?
2. If they knew it was your fault, and were able to confront you on it what do you think he/she would do?
3. Would you ever trade places with one of your characters and put your fate in their hands? If so, which one and why?
4. Which of these three mediums would you sacrifice to be able to produce your work in the other two? Mind you, this means you would be able to independently produce these two with whatever budget you wanted and you wouldn't have to worry about licenses and purchasing rights to copyrighted characters and all that: Writing (Novels, Short Stories, Poems), Print Cartoon (Comic, Graphic Novel, Manga), or Animation (Television, Movie, Video Game).
5. If you could have any one item of clothing from any form of fiction, what would it be?
6. Where in the world, fictional or real, would you have liked to have been born?
7. What do you think your life would be like if you were born there?
8. Who is the most evil person in that place, and who is the person you'd want to be with the most?
9. You're given the choice to be with that person for the rest of your days and never be bothered by that villain, or forever rid the world of that villain at the cost of your love. Which do you choose?
10. What's the weirdest nightmare you've ever had?
Enjoy answering them!
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In